More Questions Than Answers
Who thought this was a good idea Why did they go through with it? Has science gone too far? These are the questions I set out to answer when I received my Brain Hacker DX and Bread Ecstasy masturbators in the mail today. They arrived pretty damn fast, all things considered. Motsutoys reached out to me a while back asking if I wanted a review sample of their smashing new original products that they were very proud to showcase.
I can’t resist free shit, especially when it’s original, so I said yes. And then… they arrived. Dear god, what am I going to do with these. Before you ask the obvious question, yes, I did in fact stick my hard schlong in these masturbators for the review. I had to be thorough. I don’t half ass my work. I bang my own broads and I stretch my own onaholes. That’s what they call them nowadays. I enjoyed them, to an extent, but I got so much to say about these designs. The Brain Hacker DX and the Bread Ecstasy are strange. They’re far beyond anything I’ve ever seen before. They’re original, but at what price? I’m not kidding when I say that I think we’ve gone a bit too far. And yet, by the time this review goes out, we’re probably going to have something even more perverse on the market.
Gooey Satisfaction, Free Cringe
I knew that I was going to be receiving a brain and a croissant, with pussies. Same internals as a quality fleshlight, but an outer shell that’s as unassuming as it is macabre. From the pictures I saw beforehand, I expected them to have a hard or at least firm exterior that I could mount on my dong with ease. Instead, they turned out to be far softer than I expected. They’re also much bigger than they need to be. The brain can’t be held comfortably in one hand. It’s too big. I’m assuming you’re supposed to fuck this thing with both hands, like you’re holding a chick’s head while she’s on her knees or something. It wasn’t that hard to thrust, but I was spending more time focusing on keeping the damn onahole in position than I was enjoying the porn I had on screen. It was difficult to hold because it was, for want of a better word, slimy. Technically, the brain and the croissant are both dry on the surface, but they have that latex or silicone vibe to them that makes them feel slimy to the touch. There’s a reason conventional onaholes have a plastic exterior that you can grip onto. These bad boys are equally as slimy on the outside as they are within. That’s not a very comfortable feeling.
Creaming my Own Bread
Let’s get more detailed, with the croissant first. It’s big. It’s too big. It’s bulgy. It’s almost impossible to hold in one hand, even though you’d think that you can jack it lengthwise. Not the case. I had to unhinge my fingers outward to get a firm grip of the whole thing and even then it wasn’t a fap-worthy experience. I needed both hands on the action. I also found it really strange how the croissant itself didn’t look like the promo pics, which wasn’t a problem with the brain. The brain is pink and mushy, the croissant… is brown and mushy, but they market it as flaky. Yes, I know it can’t actually be flaky, I mean they could have sprayed the outer shell with something firm to make the damn thing look less like a jelly. That’s my big complaint here. Both of the toys look like jelly, and with the croissant it’s painfully unavoidable. Pastries are supposed to be stiff on the outside. They’re not supposed to jiggle uncontrollably to the touch. Sticking my dick inside this thing was easy. It slid right in. But, masturbating with it was kind of… loose. As in, I couldn’t feel much and I couldn’t interact with my dick as much. It would have been so much easier if I had just used my hand and it would have felt a thousand times better.
The Worst Part of the Woman
I’ve got this running gag in my reviews about how the brain of the woman is the worst part of her, because that’s where the pointless conversations come from, so the idea of paying money to get nothing but the brain is kind of hilarious to me. Keep in mind, I’m getting old so my dark humor is way outdated. Still, the brain is an interesting idea, and the marketing department did a great job with the promotional artwork. The problem with the brain is that it doesn’t feel satisfying to look at nor does it feel satisfying to fuck. It was even worse than the croissant. It’s this large blob that you awkwardly bounce on your cock trying desperately to hunt for a sensation on your dick tip. If the brain had some sort of middle layer inside it that was stiffer, I could have pressed that shit against my dick tip and made the experience much more enjoyable. Instead, I kind of flopped this big pink wad of goo on my cock, like I was smacking a raccoon sized parasite on top of my member. It didn’t feel sexual. It felt detached. Plus, I couldn’t actually thrust in any comfortable way. I tried putting the damn thing on my desk and fucking it doggystyle, which was slightly less annoying, but ultimately I was just a grown man embarrassing himself in the privacy of his own home.
Swing and a Miss?
Were this onaholes a mistake? Maybe. As masturbators, I wouldn’t recommend them. You’re better off getting a regular onahole with a hard exterior and a tighter hole that you can hold and use with the same effort as hand to cock masturbation. These products seem more like gimmicks to me. That’s not to say you can’t enjoy them, period. But, keep this in mind – I got a pretty huge dick and I could barely feel any tension coming back from these toys. I’ve used masturbators before and never had this problem. Hell, if these toys had some sort of outer shell that I could slip on to provide a bit of resistance, I would have probably had a better time. Instead, I just felt cringe. There are several redeeming factors, though, and the main one is the price. These things are damn cheap for the build quality. They are clearly made of expensive materials. No pennies were pinched. The quality of the packaging was also top notch, with the actual boxes for the products being my favorite part. I’d probably keep them just so I can put knick-knacks in them down the line. The design is delightful. As for the products, well, they don’t look like sex toys which is probably a high selling point for them. You could easily have the brain sitting on your desktop and no one in their right mind would ever assume the damn thing has a vagina hole.
I Appreciate Motsutoys
They were very kind to me, and I think they’re very professional people. They deliver fast, their website is optimized to hell and their branding team is doing a bang up job. I mean the graphics on their website alone are worth your time, just to keep you casually entertained. They’re very sweet and endearing, with a soft hentai twist. As for the Brain Hacker DX and the Bread Ecstasy, well, I can see them selling as oddities, not as high quality masturbators. Ironically, you can get a significantly better masturbator on Motsutoys if you just check out the standard shapes. There are dozens of them. They’re all better than this, if you are looking for a great way to blow a load, solo. I’m still a huge fan, though, of this marketing approach, because sex toy oddities are funny. I’m still looking to buy the dildo baseball bat from Saints Row 3 if any of you guys know where I can get my hands on one. I wouldn’t fuck myself with it. I’d mount it on my wall. Same deal with these two Motsutoys. They will be on my shelf, so that people can enjoy the view of them, but I won’t be fucking myself with them again any time soon. That being said, Motsu, if you’re reading this, hit me up when your next big idea comes out. I’d love to review it, especially if you make something tighter and easier to grip.
